Creative Destruction

December 17, 2006

Post-season Prognostications

Filed under: Uncategorized — Off Colfax @ 6:39 am

The majority of this post has been lifted from one of my various alter-egos throughout the www. This one is stuck in a password-protected forum, however, so I figure there’s few chances that any of you would accidentally stumble onto these words unless I copy-pasted them for you.

Those of you who don’t like football, or are dirty foreigners who can’t figure out why these pansy wimps need to rest in between plays (Much less why they can’t do anything without touching the ball with their hands, by Jove!), can ignore this post. For the rest of you, venture with me below the fold for some football wonkery.

First up: The American Football Conference

First for the obvious pick. My own prescious San Diego Chargers gets one of the first-round byes. Even a date in the Kingdome won’t derail them from landing in the bye-zone. With two division crowns in three years, this team is better all around than the famed Humphries-Seau years. Will they fare better this time?

The second will go to the Baltimore Ravens, now that folks have finally figured out that they can run through Indy’s defense like it’s swiss cheese and the Ravens going up against three cheesecake teams to Indy’s two cheesecakes and a tough row to hoe at Cinci this Sunday night. (Didn’t think I’d be saying that one after the seasons they’ve had recently.)

And seeing as how I’m predicting an even record between the Ravens and Chargers, the HFA nod would go to Baltimore thanks to their head-to-head win over the Bolts in Week 4. (Bastages, thou art.)

Berths 3 and 4 are much easier to call. Indy gets the third seed and NE taking the East and the fourth dance card.

So now comes the hard part: the wild cards. At this moment in time, they go to Cinci and Jax. But all things change in the NFL. Cinci will fall from grace quickly, thanks to the loss to Denver in Week 16. The Jags will try very hard to lose a playoff berth, but will win the fifth seed anyways, despite their best efforts.

The Jets will try valiantly at the last push, but will still lose out to Denver for the final date to the prom. Yes. Denver. Even after the QB change. Even after losing 4 straight for the first time in years. Even after realizing that one superstar cornerback does not a championship-caliber secondary make, particularly when you make a cover cornerback play as a hitting safety. Even after almost losing to the Raiders at Mile High. Winning out the last three games, they sneak into the playoffs, but they do it running forward instead of backing in.

And now, the National Football Conference: (Yes, I know, you heathen foreigners who don’t understand football and snuck in without us seeing you. It IS rather redundant to have the National Football Conference as part of the National Football League. Shut up.)

Chicago is the easiest bet on the board. Tied with the Chargers for the best record in the NFL, 1st Round Bye, HFA, and a side of fat fries and a chocolate shake from Fatburger… It’s all theirs, and the NFC Road To The Super Bowl goes through Soldier Field.

New Orleans… Mardi Gras will seem to come a bit early when the Saints come marching in to their first 1st round bye in years. And coming off of not only a disastrous start to the season, but a disastrous series of events throughout NOLA, and you won’t be able to move without impaling yourself on a stylized fleur de lis in the Big Easy come January.

Coming in third in the seeds is Dallas. Even with T.O. tearing up the scandal sheets, this Cowboy team is hot, and Tony Romo is the darling of the press corps, third to only Brees and Tomlinson (although with not nearly close to enough justification). But try as they might, they won’t make it past the Saints in the race for 1RB status.

And fourth… Seattle. Only the fact that the division champion makes it into the playoffs is keeping this team alive in most assessments. After all, they got swept by the ‘Niners this year, lost to ‘Zona, and needed a last-minute field goal to lift them over a faltering true-rookie-under-center Broncos.

So. Those are the easy ones. Now for Playoffs Gone Wild: Uncensored Spring Break Edition!

Carolina needs a miracle. Truly madly deeply, a miracle in order to salvage this season’s playoff spot. And that miracle can only come on Christmas Eve against one of their also-ran contenders: the Falcons. Think the team from the Kakilakies can do it? Survey says…?

Minnesota… Oh, what promise this team had at the beginning of the season. Then a poorly-timed 4-game skid [Ed.-Like there’s ever a GOOD time for a 4-game losing streak?] and a fair bounce here at the end of the season. After Sunday, it’ll be decided for the Vikings: a win against the Jets puts them in the driver’s seat, a loss sends them home after the season’s over. I’m looking for them to not only sit in the driver’s seat, but pop the clutch, do a wheelie for 300 yards, and just when you think they’ll cross the finish line, crash and burn on the center meridian.

Atlanta: Yawn. Their playoff hopes right now are just about as bright as a concussed duckling. Sure, they had that little winning streak against the ‘Skins and the Bucs, but look at where they nosedive to now: a loss Thursday to the ‘Boys, and a double-date of playoff contenders in Carolina and Philly. I can almost hear John Popper singing in the background.

And now the two contenders, whose fates are intertwined this Sunday: Philadelphia Eagles and the New York “They Might Be” Giants. (See? Even I can do a Berman-esque citation!) The winner this Sunday gets to hold their own destiny in their hot little hands all the way until the second season. And the loser gets to wonder what the hell happened to such a good shot, for in a wild-card field this crowded, a single mistake is all you need to hit the big post-season showers while looking forward to spring training about as much as the condemned man enjoys watching the electric chair get a new coat of polish. It may look pretty, but you don’t want to be there when it goes off.

And in a nutshell, here are the final seeds:

AFC:

  1. Baltimore
  2. San Diego
  3. Indianapolis
  4. New England
  5. Jacksonville
  6. Denver

NFC:

  1. Chicago
  2. New Orleans
  3. Dallas
  4. Seattle
  5. New York Giants
  6. Carolina

Comments? Prediction sets? Long-winded tirades insulting my abilities? Even longer proclimations that I am more full of crap than an old kybo at the All-Texas Chili Cook-off?

14 Comments »

  1. First for the obvious pick. My own prescious San Diego Chargers

    For some reason I have a SDG soft-spot. It might have been watching that documentary on Merriman’s childhood…sniffle, sniffle. I like this team, don’t know why, I’m not a Chargers fan. I LIKE these players for some reason.

    The second will go to the Baltimore Ravens

    This is my hometown, so imagine how difficult it is for me to say that they are the most boring team in football. That said, they are just boring enough to remind me of their championship squad of a few years back. Great on D, just mediocre enough to win games on offense. Look out for them. They are my pick to win the show.

    The other four from the AFC, I agree with your seeding. Jacksonville is definitely filler, Indy a definite choker.

    In the NFC, I say Philly supplants NYG. I like them with Garcia. In fact, I say the team that emerges as the wild card from the NFC East emerges from the conference to arrive at the show. Beating Chicago boils down to QB pressure and strong special teams coverage, nothing more.

    BTW, do you know of any good synopses regarding what has to happen to get Pittsburgh in? I am looking for one, primarily to let the wind out of the sails for all the Steelers fans at work. It’s great to see them come on at the end, only to be disappointed. This is pleasure only a Ravens fan may take.

    Comment by ebbtide — December 17, 2006 @ 5:57 pm | Reply

  2. BTW, do you know of any good synopses regarding what has to happen to get Pittsburgh in? I am looking for one, primarily to let the wind out of the sails for all the Steelers fans at work.

    The Stillers have the same chance of hitting the playoffs as I have of being Miss Pre-Teen America: zero. Here’s their only possible scenario:

    Everyone else has to lose.
    Steelers have to win out, and crushingly, just to get the Strength Of Victory rating within shouting distance of Jacksonville’s. Their only true hope is that their Weeks 16 and 17 games are against AFC opponents, which would mean that a full sweep of the last two games might bring them into the final mix. But only if Cinci and Denver aren’t in there as well, as they pretty much annihilate Pittsburgh in the tiebreaker scenarios.

    The fat lady has sung, the pig is in the tunnel, Elvis has left the building, and the Steel Curtain has fallen for the season. Feel free to take any bets your co-workers’ misplaced optimism causes them to make. Just remember to feel marginally guilty after doing so as taking candy from a baby is just wrong. Even when it’s in the guise of taking beer money from a rabid sports fan who just can’t tell when his team’s beat.

    And as for pleasure… Nothing beats the pleasure of a Broncos, Chiefs, and Chargers fan teasing the hell out of Raiders fans, regardless of what the standings are. Our teams could end up at 2-14 but, as long as those two wins were against Oakland, it’s all good.

    Ever hear how they were teaching kids to count in Oakland this year?

    Oh-and-one
    Oh-and-two
    Oh-and-three
    Oh-and-four

    Still brings a smile to my face.

    In the NFC, I say Philly supplants NYG.

    Looks like they did that today. Damn them.

    Comment by Off Colfax — December 18, 2006 @ 2:31 am | Reply

  3. Did Oakland do badly this year? I don’t follow football, but I have a friend who is a huge Raiders fan, and if sending him the oh-and-one thing will make him grit his teeth, I’m totally there.

    Comment by bobhayes — December 18, 2006 @ 3:00 am | Reply

  4. (on dirty foreigners)

    /drift

    It’s a fairly interesting game, as far as team sports go (judging from Super Bowl which I’ve sometimes watched).

    But why, just why do you have call it football, when it’s mostly played with hands?

    Comment by Tuomas — December 18, 2006 @ 3:12 am | Reply

  5. We call it football because the game descends from a host of ball games played by medieval Europeans, who called it “foot ball” because it was played while on foot.

    So blame the medieval Europeans, man. They’re the ones who did it.

    Comment by bobhayes — December 18, 2006 @ 3:19 am | Reply

  6. Hey, that actually makes sense. At last that mystery is solved (it was always in the category of “mysteries that are somewhat puzzling, but not enough to merit research of my own”).

    Thanks.

    Comment by Tuomas — December 18, 2006 @ 3:38 am | Reply

  7. Don’t talk to me, dirty foreigner.

    Comment by bobhayes — December 18, 2006 @ 3:53 am | Reply

  8. Did Oakland do badly this year?

    Yes.

    This has been your daily dose of Simple Answers To Simple Questions Without Having To Read Duncan Black Blather On About Just About Nothing.

    Comment by Off Colfax — December 18, 2006 @ 4:40 am | Reply

  9. OMG, they’re 2-12. Jesus Christ, France isn’t even 2-12.

    No wonder my friend went on vacation this month. He’s hiding in shame.

    Comment by bobhayes — December 18, 2006 @ 4:57 am | Reply

  10. France may not be 2-12, but Detroit is.

    Bet they’re really missing Barry Sanders in Motor City right now.

    Comment by Off Colfax — December 18, 2006 @ 8:03 am | Reply

  11. We call it football because the game descends from a host of ball games played by medieval Europeans, who called it “foot ball” because it was played while on foot.

    So far as a I can see, all ball games, from ping-pong to basket ball were played on foot until very recently, so for the men and women of the middle ages to call a particular ball game “football” wouldn’t distinguish it from any other. Isn’t the truth of the matter, rather, that calling the American game by a more appropiate name, such as “shoulder-padded-and-crash-helmeted-goons-make-a-fifteen-second-dash- before-the-umpire-calls-yet-another-two-minute-halt-in-the-proceedings-ball” might make its difference from anything normally recognized as a sport a little too obvious?

    Comment by Tom Nolan — December 18, 2006 @ 10:54 am | Reply

  12. The Stillers have the same chance of hitting the playoffs as I have of being Miss Pre-Teen America: zero.

    That is wonderful to hear.

    Isn’t the truth of the matter, rather, that calling the American game by a more appropiate name, such as “shoulder-padded-and-crash-helmeted-goons-make-a-fifteen-second-dash- before-the-umpire-calls-yet-another-two-minute-halt-in-the-proceedings-ball” might make its difference from anything normally recognized as a sport a little too obvious?

    Ahhh, the nostalgia this conversation awakens…reminds me so much of being called a “commie” and a “pussy” by the meatheads on the (American) football team, due to my love of (European) football.

    Comment by ebbtide — December 18, 2006 @ 9:23 pm | Reply

  13. Pussy.

    Comment by Robert — December 18, 2006 @ 9:53 pm | Reply

  14. LOL…

    Comment by ebbtide — December 18, 2006 @ 10:04 pm | Reply


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