Creative Destruction

April 29, 2006

Attack of the Ants

Filed under: Personal Ramblings — Robert @ 4:03 pm

A few days ago my wife made some really outstanding chocolate cookies. Last night I had a few (*cough*) in my office. Apparently some crumbs went "rogue" and fell, unnoticed, behind some boxes scattered on the floor.

Today I grabbed a sandwich for lunch. A green pepper fell out of it and was on the floor; when I noticed it had fallen, I leaned down to pick it up and recoiled – ants! Dozens of 'em, Mr. Rico!

I prepared to engage when I realized – one or two random ants finding my green pepper, I could see. But it had only been there a few minutes. Where had they come from? I cast my gaze farther afield – and there, swarming in their hundreds, were little ant-mountains on top of the cookie fragments. Ewww!

This is why God invented little handy battery-powered vacuum cleaners, however. A few minutes of cleaning (which the floor needed, anyway) and the little ant raiding party was no more. I'll be engaging in tactical ant-squashing over the next few hours, undoubtedly, as ants-come-lately follow the scent trail to where the cookies used to be. Wish me luck as I commit to battle.

We fight the ant infestation we have, not the ant infestation we'd like to have.


Q. What does my office have in common with the Pink Panther movies?
A. "Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant…deadantdeadantdeadantant"


A small squad of six highly-trained, stealthy ants crept onto the battlefield. Ignoring the corpses of their fallen brothers-in-arms, they ant-handled one last remaining crumb onto their collective shoulders and started maneuvering it out of the conflict zone. They didn't see the shadow looming. They didn't see the pencil descending like the hand of an angry God. All they saw was the carpet suddenly looming large as they were crushed, as though beneath the awful weight of their own crime.

Don't steal my food.



  1. Bob, I really think you need to pay closer attention to the root causes of ant infestation.

    Comment by Asher Abrams — April 29, 2006 @ 4:17 pm | Reply

  2. I’ve already spotted little ant madrassas in the colonies of other insects around the property. I’m preparing some evidence for the UN as we speak.

    Comment by bobhayes — April 29, 2006 @ 4:21 pm | Reply

  3. Just remember, Bob. Chemical weapons are not banned in inter-species warfare.

    Comment by Off Colfax — April 30, 2006 @ 1:36 am | Reply

  4. And deprive myself of the joy of battle? Hand-to-mandible war action? My powerful individualism against the soulles collective intelligence of the hive? Never!

    Liberal pansy.

    Comment by Robert — April 30, 2006 @ 1:58 am | Reply

  5. Hairspray.

    Also, if I cam correct, ants will pick up the scent of one of their own dead ants and come to get the body. It’s a pretty cool defense tactic, considering that the enemy might be another bug or something intending to live off the body of the ant. I hope they don’t have to worry about that with you.

    Comment by Lauren — April 30, 2006 @ 12:24 pm | Reply

  6. Mmm, crunchy.

    Comment by Robert — April 30, 2006 @ 12:43 pm | Reply

  7. Hairspray is only a worthwhile weapon in this struggle if it is turned into an impromptu flamethrower.

    Comment by Off Colfax — May 1, 2006 @ 2:01 am | Reply

  8. Attack is the best defense. Find their home and kill their leader (Queen whatever-ants-call-themselves). Otherwise they’ll just breed and breed.

    Of course, you’ll have a steady supply of torture subjects if you don’t take my advice.

    Comment by Tuomas — May 1, 2006 @ 7:50 am | Reply

  9. Hmm, everyone reveals their genocidal tendencies. Alls I gots to say is that ants is people, too.

    Comment by Brutus — May 1, 2006 @ 10:17 am | Reply

  10. Hairspray is only a worthwhile weapon in this struggle if it is turned into an impromptu flamethrower.

    I have fond childhood memories of being out in the sun with a magnifying glass…

    Comment by Daran — May 1, 2006 @ 5:09 pm | Reply

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